live in love

it's been a while...i know it has. i lost the fire to do this...but its coming back.

shit's kinda hit the fan...in a very non shit hitting the fan kinda way. nothing bad happened...really...but i've just been short with myself lately. people are bothering me. i'm bothering myself. like right now...just typing this up...im about in tears im so fucking pissed off. it sucks. i just want to run. and i hate running. i want to do something that i can relieve some stress and move on from this shit.

things are changing drastically in the next couple of weeks and it scares the shit out of me. im going to be losing one of my best friends...the windy city is gonna take him away! :( but i'll be alright cuz i'll have my girl. :) she always makes me happy. so thats good.

im scared. im scared of the way things will happen. im scared things are going to change for the worst...and i'll be stuck having to fucking deal with them in a whole new way...in a whole new place...with whole new people. im NOT looking forward to that. but i am looking forward to being on my own, setting my own rules, doing what i want instead of what mom and dad want. i'm ready to become the adult that i've been for the past 2 legal years. it's annoying. it all goes back to me being annoyed lately.

im sorry to everyone i've pissed off, upset, scared, annoyed, hurt...but know i've been doing the same things to myself because of it. shit happens and i dont control myself. i let the dark side of me come through and i dont give a shit about fuck. it just gets to me and i lose it.

im just venting...sorry if it doesnt make sense. more or less...this is for me..not for readers. if i ask you for help...for some advice...dont be an ass. its hard for me to ask people for advice...so if i do...take that to heart and know that i'm reaching out to the people that are close to me. i dont want it to get bad enough that i pull a heath ledger. (is it still too soon?!?!)

Suddenly, I Miss Everyone

so tonight was weird. it was full of different emotions. happiness, sadness, regret, optimism, laughter....its been one hell of a roller coaster ride of emotions, feelings, a night.

i dont know how to put this nicely, or well, or how it should be, but have i ever really followed guidelines? i dont think i have. i've been known to do things my way, and im going to keep doing them my way. so here it goes.

"i'm the best and worst friend someone could have."

is that supposed to make me happy?
is that supposed to help me realize something?
is that supposed to destroy my self worth and come crawling back?
WHAT is that?

i've lost all hope in so called friends. the friends that are supposed to have your back no matter what. your true friends are the people that you can make happy, and make them TRULY happy, before making yourself happy, and not have a problem with that. look at your parents. they love you and will do wahtever it takes to make you happy before they're happy...they're true friends. but what about the people you hang out with? how many of them are true friends?

i'm going to start re-evaluating my relationships with these so called friends. we'll see how things go. maybe im just in a weird mood right now, but i came to the realization tonight. thanks to many different people.

sitting at work all day today, i knew only 2 people. and those two people...aren't my friends. i know them. i work with them. thats it. i hate not knowing people...but do i really care to know them? am i missing out on so much? i dont think i am. so who am i to complain? this may be too deep for some, for most, but i do this to vent, and to sound off. so here it is.

the people i thought were there for me...probably aren't. and it hurts. it really does. the people that i spent my night with. thanks. you have a text in your inbox. check it. the people i didnt hang out with...does that tell you anything? well it should. re-evaluate yourself before you come crying to me about hanging out with me. a phone works both ways...so does a friendship. i scratch your back, you scratch mine. its the way of life, its the way things go.

i know there's going to be some people wondering WTF just happened. but trust me. it's been a long time coming. nothing's been said and the emotions and feelings got bottled up. and this is the explosion. this is the mentos in the diet coke. this is the explosion in the sky on the fourth of july. this is me without a safety net. this is me.

for the people that know it already. thank you SOOO much for beign there for me...and being a friend. it really does mean more to me than you know. things are going to be changing soon...and i hope that nothing changes with our relationships. i know distance is going to come between some of us, but i can only hope that the distance is only going to make things stronger. sounds lame, but i keep my friends fucking close. you guys mean a lot to me. i'm going to go out on a limb and do it.

i feel like i've said what i need to. i've done my damage. the rest is going to happen by itself. i just needed this time to get it off my chest and onto the net. take it how you want, but if you want to hear the full story, the full effect, the raw emotions, the bottled up me...hit me up sometime. text, call, email, come over...get ahold of me. find me. i always enjoy having a one on one conversation with people. i'll get you a time and date and we'll do it. im serious.

again...thanks to my friends. the car ride tonight was amazing. i cant wait to do it again. you guys are amazing and i dont want things to change.

this is who i am.

this is who i've become.

this is me.