The Beginning of the New

Drastic times calls for drastic measures. This is my drastic measure. With the help of people that mean most to me…I’ve come to realize that things are never the way they seem. Things this summer hit an all time low for me. While the summer was coming to an end I thought the summer was one of the best ones I’ve had. But I was more wrong than ever. I have yet to look back on the summer and say damn, I’m glad I did this or did that. There are too many things that I did that I’m now looking back on and wondering why in the fuck I did it. I can’t help but wonder how much better my life would be if I would have stopped, smelled the roses, and known what happened with my life. I spent my summer with people that I enjoyed hanging around and being with, but obviously I was just blinded by pure enjoyment and failed to see what I was doing to myself.

Sure, I did what I wanted to and had a good time. But what I didn’t realize was I completely blew off the people that meant more to me than having fun. I was putting off the people that I held close to me and enjoyed being with…all because I wanted to have a good time. What I didn’t fully understand and realize was how bad it got. It actually got to the point that I lost an amazing friend, an amazing girl friend, and a friend that I used to consider my brother. Those are just the few that really hit me hard. There have been countless people that I’ve blown off just because I wanted to go out and party. Now the problem lies within the fact that I caused this. I did it by myself. I chose not to hang out with them. I lost it. The other night I sat in my dorm room by myself and just cried myself to craziness. My mind was such a mess and all I could do was sit and cry about it. It finally hit me what I actually did to all of the people that meant the most to me.

I was so lost this summer. I thought I had everything going for me and things couldn’t get better. It was the complete opposite. I was fucking up relationships left and right. I still haven’t got those back and it legitimately hurts. I feel like shit from this, believe it or not. The people involved know what’s been going on with me and this has been a long time coming but sadly, not soon enough. I didn’t realize what had happened until it got to the point that my friends….the people who I lost…intervened and stepped up like true friends to show me and prove to me what I did to them. I really really appreciate everything that my true friends have done for me through this situation.

I’m usually really good with holding back my emotions and feelings but I can’t do this anymore. I’ve kept my shit on lock for wayyyy too long. It’s about time for me to step up and be the man that I’m becoming. I’m tired of acting like a kid like I did this whole summer. What sucks about this whole situation is it’s too late to resurrect the relationships that I destroyed. And whats even worse…is I’m to blame 100%. I can sit and say how my friends should have stepped up earlier, but I know I’d be wrong by doing that. I fucked up. I’m so sorry to all the people that I lost or distanced…im really really sorry. Please forgive me. I’m changing for the best and I hope you all can see that. If you want to talk about it, or anything for that matter, you know how to get ahold of me.

Again, I’m sorry.